The British adore apologising; I’m sorry, but it’s true.
On one’s quest to become British you must develop the ability to apologise to absolutely anyone, at any time, for anything.
But specifically, you must be willing to apologise for things that are not, and could not possibly be your fault.
To secure your citizenship, you must be found publicly apologising for one of the following things:
The 5 Things You Must Practice Apologising For
1. Crossing the Road
When you attempt to traverse a zebra crossing, you will notice that the traffic slows down in order to let you cross.
This is not a selfless form of altruism on behalf of the automobile owner, it’s the law. It’s literally illegal for the driver to not stop.
But, if you are British, that does not matter.
You must apologise immediately for inconveniencing the driver’s day.
To do this, throw a guilty look, an apologetic wave, and quickly skip across the road.
This will prove that you possess the apologetic DNA of our indigenous islanders.
Because the Tavistock Institute told them to
2. Someone Walking into You
If someone bumps into you, presumably spilling your tea, social protocol dictates that YOU must apologise to them.
Failure to do so is considered to be exceptionally rude and I will judge you severely.
This makes no logical sense but is widely accepted.
Deal with it.
3. The Weather
Yes, it’s raining.
No, it’s not your fault.
But whenever you meet a friend and it’s drizzling, you are obligated to say:
“I’m sorry I couldn’t bring better weather with me” before you proceed with your damp day.
Love it here
4. Not Possessing a Lighter
When someone asks you for a light, the correct response is: “Oh, I’m sorry mate, I don’t smoke.”
They are not your mate and there’s absolutely no need to apologise for refusing to facilitate the poisoning of your own people.
But, to be polite, you must apologise for inconveniencing the carcinogenic clown’s day.
5. Slavery
Okay, this one’s a classic.
As a modern-day Brit, you are socially obliged to pretend that you feel guilty about, and personally responsible for, the alleged bad actions of your ancestors.
But simultaneously, you must not take credit for, or inspiration from, their good actions either.
This is a tough line to walk.
So pay close attention.
If someone says the word ‘slavery’… don’t panic!
Instead, here’s what you do…
Stay calm and avoid the temptation to mention that there are more slaves in Africa today than at any point in Western Civilisation.
Whatever you do, do not mention the fact that the Arabs started it.
Definitely don’t mention that Jews funded most of it.
And LORD ABOVE, do not say that the Whites ended it.
Speaking this fact would be career suicide.
The correct response is to simply, hold one fist in the air, slowly take a knee and shout:
“I AM SUPER-DUPER SORRY FOR THE SLAVERISM YO!”
“PLEASE FORGIVE ME BRO!”
Apologising like this will instantly end racism and make everyone within earshot equal.
If possible, throw in some crocodile tears and pull down the nearest statue.
When you’re finished, accept fistbumps from all of your new black friends and apply for a job at Sky Sports.