Lying is a sin… except when you’re trying to get your woman to a black tie event on time.
Then, my dear friends, lying is a NECESSITY.
Trust me.
I learned this the hard way.
My Black-Tie Event Debacle
A few years ago, I was receiving an award at a black tie event in front of four hundred people.
The day before the event, I was told that I would be sitting in the front row.
So I knew I couldn’t be late.
To avoid any problems, I communicated this crucial information very clearly to my female.
“Woman. We are leaving at 6:30pm this evening. We cannot be late. Be ready on time.”
However, that evening, twenty minutes after we were due to leave… she wasn’t even close to being ready.
We’re talking wet hair, no shoes and missing mascara.
So I took a deep breath and thought about my next move:
> Was I going to have a shouting match with her over the hairdryer?
> Was I fuck
> I gave her instructions and she choose not to follow them.
> That’s her problem, not mine
So I made the executive decision to get in the car, turn off my phone and leave without her.
All things considered, the event went bloody well.
Awards were won, cigars were smoked, and memories were made.
But, as I’m sure you can imagine, when I turned on my mobile, I was assaulted by a disbelieving barrage of missed calls and messages.
There were photos of her crying her eyes out, voice notes of her fake breaking up with me and tantrum texts.
And this pissed me off.
What was her problem?
I told her when we were leaving and she had all day to get ready.
Seriously.
How difficult is it to put on a dress and some heels??
It’s literally two items of clothing.
But then.
Just as I was scrolling through an ever increasing tsunami of irritating notifications…
And rage was starting to rise within me.
Something amazing happened.
I had an epiphany.
A calming wind of patience washed over me and I realised the reality of the situation.
It wasn’t fair of me to expect military precision timing from a female.
They’re barely sentient.
And they’re certainly not capable of comprehending complex concepts like ‘planning ahead’ or ‘being late’.
I should have known better.
This whole mess was my fault.
And in that very moment, I came up with the perfect solution to this problem.
In order to avoid this disaster happening again, all I have to do…
Is tell my female that the event starts forty-five minutes earlier than it actually does.
This tactical lie removes all stress from the occasion and ensures we arrive together in a good mood (usually only five to ten minutes late).
Forty-five minutes is the perfect amount of wiggle room.
Any more than this and she will know something is off.
Any less is not enough.
But forty-five minutes is just right.
It means that Goldilocks wont poke herself in the eye when you accelerate into a pothole as she’s doing her last minute make-up in the car.
Glorious.
I have one final point to add fellas.
Although the decision to ditch my female caused chaos for one weekend.
It transpired to be a wise long-term investment.
She was perfectly punctual after that.
So it’s definitely worth abandoning your girl once or twice, it helps set a splendid tone for the rest of the relationship.