Why are British tennis players so useless at the sport we invented?
Are they really incapable of driving home a competitive advantage??
Embarrassing.
Anyway, after centuries of failure, we have given up on the thought of our British Tennis Players ever winning anything important..
And so the culture around the game in Britain has changed.
Tennis is no longer considered to be a sport, it’s a form of foreplay.
And as such, it’s generally agreed that taking tennis seriously should be punishable by death.
Tennis is not supposed to be played by sweat-less Swiss gentlemen and flexible Serbians.
It’s intended to be exclusively enjoyed as a form of erotic entertainment by divorced dads and gorgeous golddiggers.
Did your father not teach you this?
Where do you think the pornographic grunting came from?!
Think about it.
In no other ‘sport’ is it acceptable to climax mid-match.
When Sharapova grunts on the court, she’s not interested in winning the point…
She’s interested in advertising her ‘services’.
Slag.
Wimbledon Tennis Championships
Watching British tennis players at Wimbledon is a thoroughly enjoyable affair because the crowd is always packed to the rafters with absolute crumpets.
It’s a known fact that Wimbledon has the highest density of summer dresses, signet rings, and trust funds on Earth…
So it’s no surprise that every bloke in Centre Court spends the day at half-mast.
There’s nothing more British than consuming strawberries and cream in the July sunshine.
(Apart from ruling 350 million Indians with an army of 90,000 men)
So I hereby declare that you’re not a member of the British middle class until you’ve acquired debenture seats on Centre Court…
Don’t know what those are?
No??
That’s okay, you were probably born in Bolton.
Wimbledon is a monarchist’s favourite event.
The filthy proletariat peasants have to queue overnight to get into the ground, whilst the upper class gets to sit comfortably in splendidly segregated sections of the stadium.
How cavalier!
The Battle of the Sexes: Karsten Braasch vs The Williams Sisters
In the last century, inbreds like Leon Trotsky and Karl Marx claimed that society would be better if the government enforced equal life outcomes at gunpoint.
This idea starved 35 million white Christians to death…
You know, for the “greater good”.
Against all odds, this century’s Satan-worshipping commies are even more retarded than their pedophile predecessors.
They don’t think that people should be made equal, they genuinely believe that people are equal.
Biologically equal.
This braindead belief has been fed to the masses, leading to some hilarious moments.
The most notable of which was when Serena and Venus williams pridefully claimed in 1998 that they could beat any man ranked outside the world’s top 200.
A German chap ranked 203rd called Karsten Braasch accepted their challenge.
He showed up to the match after playing a round of golf in the morning, and having two beers for breakfast…
And beat them both with ease.
6-1, 6-2.
After the game, Braasch said “Against anyone ranked 500 and above, they’d have no chance”.
Then German G added, that he had: “played like someone ranked 600th in order to keep the game fun”.
What a bloody champion.
Ironically, the Williams sisters are feminists.
And in their desperate attempt to prove that men and women are equal…
They both got raped.
British Tennis Players
Like everything popular in the world, Tennis was invented by a British bloke.
A chap called Major Walter C. Wingfield came up with the absurd affair in 1873.
Bizarrely, the British are always terrible at the sports they create.
As a result, we have only had 3 noteworthy British tennis players in the last hundred years…
Tim Henman.
Over his career, Tim Henman became a household name, a national treasure and eventually, a laughing stock.
The poor bloke became everything except a Grand Slam finalist.
Which is tough because the British people had high hopes for him…
They would queue for hours to sit on Henman hill and watch him stumble his way through the early rounds of Wimbledon.
Unfortunately, Tim turned out to be the Fulham football club of tennis players.
The ultimate manifestation of mediocrity.
He never gave the crowd the Grand Slam victory they craved and by the end of his career, Henman was so bad that he could’ve been beaten in straight sets by a mild breeze.
What’s even worse, is that not only did he lack talent, he also lacked charisma.
That’s a real ‘double fault’.
Tim was so bad at Tennis, his name became a slang term used by British Schoolboys to describe the moment they got an ‘unexpected-semi’.
In a sentence, you might say: “I was sitting in church and out of nowhere… I got a Timmy Henham!”
Andy Murray.
Andy Murray might be the world’s first likable Scottsman.
There’s just something about his stupid face that is very affable.
Although, saying that, he cries on TV a lot for a guy with £20 million in the bank and a banging wife.
In fact, if you search “Andy Murray crying” on Google, you’ll find 5,710,000 results in 0.37 seconds.
What a tampon.
He spent most of 2018 sobbing like a bitch because he had to quit playing tennis after a bad injury.
But instead of spending the year reading Marcus Aurelius and practicing the art of emotional control, he decided to get surgery and return to the Tennis courts with a fake hip.
That’s like retiring from porn only to return with a fake dick.
God knows how he’s going to perform.
Andy made it to 30 before his body started breaking down.
Which is pretty good going for a Glaswegian; their life expectancy’s just north of 50.
Fred Perry.
Fred Perry had an illustrious tennis career and a fascinating life:
- In the 1930s, he won 8 Grand Slams (including 3 consecutive Wimbledon Championships) whilst developing a reputation as one of Britains most prolific batchelors.
- In the 1940s, after 3 failed marriages to famous actresses, the horndog created a world famous clothing brand that went on to be worn by skinheads, mods, and the chaps in the National Front.
- In the 1950’s, he settled down, got married & made some whites.
- In the 1960’s, he became a BBC broadcaster and spent 30 years commentating on the sport he loved.
What a glorious life.
And hey, I’m sure Fred Perry’s father would be proud of his boy’s achievements.