A select percentage of the 21st-century British population has developed a troubling antipathy towards tradition. So, they refuse to drink tea like upstanding citizens and rage against the machine by drinking coffee instead.
They are animals.
All of them.
Sage Coffee Machine
Aesthetically enjoyable
All Coffee Drinkers Go To Hell
Here are 8 water-tight reasons patriotic British people despise these revolting revolutionaries:
- Firstly, they are proud to regularly spend £5 every morning on their caffine fix and they see nothing wrong with that behavior. Chaps. You know it’s a scam, right? Coffee is just water with a teeny-tiny bit of coffee in it… What exactly are you paying for?!
- Then they tell you: “Well actually, I order like, a Mint White Mocha Frappuccino so it’s like, SUPER good value.” Ummm yeah, that’s not a coffee you clown. That’s an overpriced milkshake. You’ve been duped into thinking that 900 calories of diabetes-inducing sludge is an acceptable morning beverage.
- Also, they only ever buy of of these milkshakes from their favorite billion-pound business. Typically it’s Costa, Starbucks or Pret (there’s a new cool one every 2 years). But they absolve themselves of any western, capitalist guilt by saying: “I just really wish we had a local shop that was capable of making a good Caramel Macchiato, but ya know, what can I do?!”
- Ordering ‘coffee’ is a hobby for these demons. They find the process of ordering a coffee more enjoyable than actually drinking it. They take great pride in holding up the line for ages and considering every available item on the menu… before they inevitably order the exact same thing that they always do. Twats.
- As if that wasn’t insufferable enough, they are particularly obnoxious about ‘Fairtrade’ coffee. In fact, they will gladly pay £2 extra for the abstract concept of ‘fairness’ to be applied to their cup. This is because they genuinely believe that giving extra money to a multinational corporation will improve society. This way, they get to purchase a drink that makes them feel morally superior to their fellow citizens without that yucky colonization aftertaste.
- Coffee drinkers who make DIY coffee at home are no better. They will spend hours roasting their coffee beans, 20 minutes draining it through a French press, and a lifetime telling you that they’re able to taste the difference. Can you really pal.
- Seventhly, they always say: “You do NOT want to see me before my morning cup of joe.” Mate, if you prefer coffee to tea, we don’t want to see you in our country at all.
- Finally, coffee drinkers know deep down that their behaviour is a slap in the face of our ancestors, so they mask their degenerate drinking exploits by describing coffee in code. They call it “joe”, ‘java’ or “rocket fuel”. In turn, we call them “arseholes”.
If you found my work amusing, you are very welcome to buy me a coffee here. thanks.
- decaf – level of faggorty is this. You take the only usful part of the coffee out.
- Stop living your life one permant lockdown – Here’s a free idea. Leave your house. go into a coffee shop, flit witht he waitress
Hard at work – becoming king of England