Seeing a no cycling sign will make my day.
Seriously.
England has a severe problem and this sign is the first step to solving it.
A small group of people have invaded our country…
They manipulate our government to create laws that only benefit themselves…
They are lawless, cosmopolitan parasites who flit from city to city causing nothing but chaos…
They are the enemy of all mankind…
They are of course, the cyclists.
They have infected Britain’s streets and as a result, and are rightly despised by 99% of the British population.
For some reason, in 21st Century Britain, it appears that you need to have three things before you are allowed to go cycling: They are a lycra jumpsuit, a £1,000 bike, and a midlife crisis.
Why on Earth do all obese cyclists insist on wearing skin-tight neon lycra?
Are they gimps?
Are they gays?
What’s their destination… Brighton high street?
They all look like human STDs.
After the revolution, it will be a capital crime for a bloke with a dadbod to exercise publicly whilst wearing lycra.
The Cycle To Work Scheme
The most annoying cyclists are those of the ‘cycle-to-work‘ variety.
After a man has cycled to work for two weeks, he will begin to consider himself a part-time personal trainer. He will start throwing out dodgy nutrition advice in the office and saying stuff like:
“Guys, it’s just so fulfilling. What a great start to the day. You’ve got to try it!”
With no evidence at all, a cyclist will always seem to think that the people of Britain are impressed by their life decisions.
Mate, watching you genuinely believe that you’re going to turn your miserable life around by doing 20 minutes of mild cardio a day doesn’t impress us, it makes us feel sorry for you.
What exactly are cyclists so proud of?
You’ve not found the meaning of life lads; you’ve mastered the art of exercising like an idiot and sweating like a nonce at the same time.
Congrats.
The Tour De France
The only thing more boring than having a conversation with a bloke who cycles to work is watching the ‘Tour de France’.
This sports event combines the two worst things on Planet Earth: cycling and French people.
Who watches this dross?
If I wanted to watch a bunch of junkies pedal around like retards, I’d take a trip to Amsterdam.
I’ve been chaps, and trust me, it’s shit
Ludicrously Expensive Cycling Gear
Also, it appears impossible for a man to go cycling without owning absolutely all of the special cycling gear that is on the market.
This baffles normal British people.
One hundred percent of cyclists today have special glasses, special gloves, and presumably, special needs.
They always have to have the latest, most expensive equipment possible.
Which itself is bizarre.
Do you really need to pay £400 extra for a bike with a carbon-fiber frame?
Really?!
The reason cycling is difficult for you isn’t that the frame of your bike is 40 grams too heavy, it’s because you have a beer belly and haven’t done any cardio since Britney Spears was in the charts.
Cyclists genuinely think it’s a good idea to spend £1,000 on a bike, £250 on glasses, and £75 on a helmet.
Here’s a better idea, use that money to buy a car, you clown.
The irony of course is that cycling is just a poor-mans midlife crisis.
If a decent bloke was to have a midlife breakdown he would just buy a Porsche and ditch his bitch.
But the bike-obsessed beta-males have such incorrect instincts that they decide instead to waste their weeks biking about for hours as if that will somehow improve their dreary lives.
The basic reality is this, most cyclists are just aging atheists who are struggling to come to terms with their imminent mortality.
So they panic when they turn 40, just as they hit life’s back nine, and start cycling in a desperate attempt to increase their dwindling, irrelevant lifespan.
It’s so embarrassing.
Just die with some dignity you dick.
The reasons for hating cyclists vary from Brit to Brit, but one thing is for certain, it’s time for a final solution to the cyclist problem.