David Attenborough is a 97 year old, silver-tongued, silver fox who makes nature documentaries telling people how fucked their future is.
And for this… he’s literally loved.
Loved.
David is adored, despite his doomsday message, for only one reason…
He has the silkiest voice in human history.
Attenborough’s voice is so smooth, he could narrate a documentary about Morgan Freeman’s life.
In fact, big Dave could conduct a 4-hour lecture about the history of the post office and the British people would still tune in.
This is because listening to David Attenborough speak feels like your ears are being hugged by an angel.
David Attenborough Documentaries
Old Dave’s nature documentaries have monopolised the industry to such a degree that you can assume that gazelles have now evolved to realise that when they hear his virtuous voice narrating their lives, they are about to get munched.
Well, we say Davey boy made all these documentaries, but in reality, the charismatic codger just does the commentary.
The real work is done by the camera crews who spend seventy consecutive days living in a tent, halfway around the world, filming a special type of slug.
Only for Davo to swoop in at the last minute and take all the credit.
In the animal world, that’s called an alpha move.
Sir David Attenborough’s documentaries all follow the same format.
- Step 1: Pick a random animal that no one’s ever heard of. Usually some dumb owl.
- Step 2: Pretend that human consciousness and morality apply to the life of that obnoxious bird.
- Step 3: Create an X-factor worthy sob-story about its day.
His popularity is understandable but ultimately weird, for two reasons:
Firstly, why do people give a shit about the life of an owl?!
It’s basically a fancy chicken.
These feathery losers are, without question, the most irrelevant, disposable animal ever created.
If you genuinely care about the plight of the owl, you need to quit being a goon, have a family of your own and stop imparting your parental instincts onto a flying rodent.
And secondly, documentaries are a peasant way to get information.
Are there really that many plebs on our island?
The British are the monarchy of humanity.
We should honour our ancestry by holding ourselves to the highest standards of human behaviour that are physically possible.
That means it’s time to switch off the box in the corner and read a book, you boobs.
This is what Sir David Attenborough really thinks of you…
What is David Attenborough’s net worth?
David Attenborough is worth over £10 Million and now makes over a million pounds per year.
All things considered, he has an interesting legacy.
His voice is so divine, people seem to like him without actually listening to what he’s saying.
He has a tangible antipathy towards humanity, appears to be sexually attracted to the concept of recycling, and openly argues that he wants to lower the number of humans on Earth.
As a result, his documentaries have rather insidiously convinced the British people to care more about the birth rate of animals they’ve never met, on continents they’ve never been to, than about the collapsing birth rate of their own people.
This is a marvelously manipulative achievement.
So now, in Britain, if you mention the falling birth rate of white tigers you get a BAFTA, but if you mention the falling birth rate of white people you get arrested.
Despite his somewhat sneaky and sinister message, big Dave is weirdly viewed as the nation’s grandfather and the only man in Britain who the Queen could have a crush on.
The bad news for the mindless, malleable masses is that David is in his nineties, so it’s a sad reality that he’s nearly finished life’s back nine.
He’s basically Britain’s Steve Irwin, so it’s going to be a rough day for a lot of people when he finally kicks it.
Our only hope is that he secretly stubbled upon a secret immortality serum deep in a rainforest.
The good news is that he lived a long, luxurious life.
He traveled the world, shared his message, and even though I hate to admit it, he probably even saved some stupid owls.