Drink Driving is an aristocratic hobby.
Like, shooting pheasants and insulting peasants.
The aristocratic British people dislike watching Formula 1 for a simple reason… the drivers are sober.
Seriously.
Where’s the fun in watching people succeed at something they’re good at?
Are the Formula 1 executives not paying attention?
The data is crystal clear.
The most popular videos on the internet are fail videos.
The F1 should take this into consideration and liven up their sterile sport by giving the people what they want.
And what the people want… is death!
Crazy overtakes, fiery explosions and finish-line fisticuffs would add some excitement back into the increasingly drab affair.
This is no joke.
If I was made CEO of Formula 1, I would pursue a policy of crash-maxing via enforced drink driving.
Drunk Formula 1: The Manifesto
The rules of the race are simple:
- The grid positions would be determined by a televised drinking game the night before the race. We’d call it ‘The Grand Pre’.
- In this ‘time trial’, whoever consumes the most pints of Guinness in a 2-hour window gets to start in pole position.
- We would enforce a 10-pint minimum to eliminate effeminate competitors and ensure all drivers have a hangover.
- On race day, after the lights go green, the drivers would have to finish a bottle of wine before they were allowed to start their engines and pull away. This strawpedo guarantees that both the participants and the cars are ‘well oiled’.
- Additionally, for every lap the drivers complete, they’d have to take one shot of an alcoholic spirit.
- The alcohol brand would sponsor the race and change every week. This would generate significant advertising revenue for the company and help increase Britain’s dwindling GDP.
- The late, great Henry Ford built cars to run on cheap, completely sustainable ethanol from corn rather than petroleum owned by the One World Government. For this remarkable piece of revolutionary action, he was mercilessly attacked by the sneaky media. But rather than playing the victim, he wrote four books about his opposition and their tricks. We will honour his legacy by ensuring that all race cars run on sustainable ethanol rather than petrol.
Imagine the chaos:
- Drivers trying to act fly & swoop the grid girls
- Chunder flying out of the window at 180mph
- Drink driving causing drivers to break the seal during pit stops
Who wouldn’t watch that?!
Given the opportunity, I would turn the entire sport into a real-life game of inebriated Mario Cart.
Let’s make the drivers take mushrooms and allow the spectators to throw bananas on the track.
Think of the viewership.
– Enzo Ferrari
The Three Benefits of Drink Driving Formula 1.
1. Increased Diversity
Drink driving in F1 would dramatically improve the diversity of the drivers…
(And we all know how ESSENTIAL diversity is, don’t we chaps?)
Greasy Meds have had a monopoly on the F1 circuit for decades, but they can’t handle their booze.
So this drunk-driving mandate would allow charming Englishmen, charismatic Irishmen, and overweight Welshmen to share some of the limelight
It would also officially be the first time in history that a ‘diversity policy’ has benefitted the British people.
2. Better Entertainment
The sneaky rulers of our society seem to have forgotten a simple truth.
Sports are not supposed to be displays of competence, they’re supposed to be superficially appeasing events that are designed to distract the masses.
It doesn’t matter how fast you can drive in your gay little go-cart when 90% of people own a Prius and it’s illegal to go over 70mph.
Roman politicians like Cicero understood this deeply and took it upon themselves to host large ‘Bread and Circus’ events whenever the people needed their attention diverted from one of the government’s crimes.
Modern politicians do the same thing whilst simultaneously waging war on masculinity by sanitising Football, Rugby, and Formula 1.
These once, highly entertaining events have had all the violence, adrenaline and danger drawn out of them.
Ironically, that’s why some British people have started to enjoy watching women’s sports.
Seriously.
You can get all the excitement of viewing a competition with the added hilarity of general female incompetence.
Thank you feminism!
3. Population Control
I can hear the women and libs crying already:
“Oh, but people would die!”
YES
GOOD
There are too many people on our idyllic island.
The rent’s too high, the traffic’s insane, and the cyclists are taking over the streets.
It’s time to thin the herd.
And why’s everyone so scared of death now anyways?
There’s nothing gayer than being 90 and dying in a chair whilst doing a sudoku.
Drunk F1 gives men the opportunity to die in the pursuit of eternal glory.
Is Formula 1 the worst spectator sport of all time?
Yes.
Without question.
To understand why everyone thinks this is the case, here’s a classic example of a conversation with a petrol head:
F1 Dweeb: “You’ll never guess who won the Grand Prix this weekend?!”
Functioning Human: “I don’t know, the guy with the best car?”
F1 Dweeb: “Yes! How did you know?! OH MY GOD, WHAT A RACE!!!”
You have to have the brain of a baby pigeon to find this shit entertaining.
The aesthetics were exceptional and the adrenaline was high.
Traditionally, men would risk their lives to sit near the track and get a good view.
But those days are gone.
Modern men are comfort-obsessed capitalists who prefer to watch the race whilst nibbling on a bottomless brunch from the confines of a corporate box.
Bastards.
However, if the modern man can’t afford a corporate box, he is forced to suffer the humiliation of sitting in the stands with the great unwashed.
Why would anyone in their right mind waste £200 of their hard-earned money to sit near some tarmac?
You would have a much more entertaining afternoon if you parked next to a Gypsy camp for an hour.
It’s free and you’d have a 99% chance of seeing a fistfight.
Apparently, there are some people in this country who will watch Formula 1 on TV.
This is embarrassing because watching people achieve things you are incapable of doing destroys a man’s mind.
It’s gimp behavior.
So the British would be wise to turn off the TV, fire up their Mini Coopers and drive down to Devon on the A303.
There’s no speed cameras on that road and you get to see Stonehenge.
Glorious.
Lewis Hamilton.
Lewis Hamilton is famous for two things: driving a race car and playing the race card.
And in fairness to the girly-haired goon, he’s very talented at both.
Lewis is the F1 version of Nish Kumar.
He’s mastered the complex art of complaining about being oppressed by a country that has given fame and fortune.
Lewis is good at whining, and winning.
He’s a highly decorated individual.
Sure, he’s won the F1 Championship seven times.
But no one cares about that.
Driving faster than someone when you have a faster car than them isn’t that impressive.
Even Jason Button won a few races when they gave him a quick car and he’s a bloody buffoon.
What is actually impressive is that Lewis finished first on the Top Gear leaderboard as the ‘Star in a Reasonably Priced Car’.
This is undeniably awesome.
Lewis also won BBC Sports Personality of the Year in 2020.
This made him one of the most hated men in Britain.
Between his Illuminati tattoo, Monaco residence, bought-and-payed-for politics, and transsexual dress sense…
It’s tough for the British public to decide what parts of his ‘personality’ the converged, tyrannical British government felt were most admirable…
Probably his insatiable hatred of British history.