There’s nothing better than watching one of our great British chefs make a meal you have no intention of ever cooking.
Seriously, these cooking shows are bloody hilarious.
The editors deserve a lot of credit.
Somehow can make a TV show about a middle-aged, white guy roasting asparagus… entertaining.
They do this by playing a rousing rendition of Gustav Holst’s ‘Jupiter’ over a clip of some great british chefs taking turns to slice through a beef wellington and dramatically reveal if it’s overcooked or not.
High quality TV.
Anyway, as the custodian of acceptable British behaviour, I’ve decided to rate the ‘Britishness’ of all the great British chefs in the country so you know who to watch and who to avoid.
Enjoy.
Shouty McShoutFace.
Gordon Ramsey loves bulldogs and hates Americans.
This guy has absolutely no chill and could lose his temper whilst making a bacon sarnie on a lazy Sunday morning.
He once put a womans face between two slices of bread and called her an “idiot sandwich.”
That makes him a British icon, 9/10
The Nations Grandma.
Mary Berry is overflowing with wisdom, looks adorable in an apron, and makes a marvellous meringue.
What a minx.
If there was a TV show called ‘The Great British Babe Off’, she’d win every year, 8/10
Half Boob.
Nigella Lawson is a sensual coke-head who is famous for mastering the complex art of baking bread whilst having boobs.
She’ll be a firm favourite with all British men until her moneymakers move south for the winter.
In the interim, she’s a 7/10.
That Norwich Chick.
Delia Smith is the perfect six.
She is the six that all other sixes aspire to be.
If there was a Michelin star for being a six, she would win it six times.
And like all good sixes, she has the personality that the sevens, eights, and nines lack.
Whilst most women only pretend they like football during the first month of courtship, our delightful Delia actually does.
Fair play love, let’s be havin’ ya. 6/10
The Half-baked Hero.
Marco Pierre-White has everything you could want in a Great British chef: talent, charisma and most importantly… sensational hair.
He was the youngest ever chef to be awarded 3 Michelin Stars which is cool.
But unfortunately, he’s half Italian so he only scores 5/10
The Skinny-fat Duck.
Heston Blumenthal is experimental, open-minded, and willing to give anything a go.
Unfortunately, those are characteristics that the British look for in our women, not in our Great British chefs.
Just put some beef in the oven for 4 hours and get over yourself man, 4/10
The Human Carbohydrate.
The only thing more bland than James Martin’s cooking is James Martin’s face, 3/10
The Probable Pedo.
Ainsley Harriet has the smile of a sex criminal.
So it’s no surprise he was a huge success on the BBC in the 90s, 2/10
The Greasy Commie.
When Jamie Oliver doesn’t like something, he tries to ban everyone in Britain from having it.
This includes chicken nuggets, turkey twizzlers and I’m guessing, shampoo.
If you ever find yourself talking to a stranger, slip into the conversation that you think Jamie Oliver is a bloody commie, you’ll make yourself a friend for life. He’s a 1/10.