Dating a modern woman is like attending an away day at Anfield…
You’re surrounded by red flags.
If she was born after 1960, she almost certainly thinks that: voting matters, yoga counts as cardio, equality is awesome, and abortion is: “like, a human right.”
If she’s really, really, retarded…
She might even think that the Earth is round.
However, as a man, the healthy reaction to finding red flags in a female is to think: “I can save her”.
And here’s the good news chaps…
You can.
By dutifully following the detailed steps that I outline in this article, you can make any woman that loves you believe that the Earth is flat.
If you succeed in doing so, you will rewire her entire worldview and put yourself in a position to lead her in a happy marriage.
So listen up class, it’s time to take some notes.
This is the official, water-tight, undefeated, step-by-step guide, that every guy needs, to turn his woman into a flat earther.
Step 1: Plough her
That’s right.
You heard me.
Take her outside on a clear night and show her ‘The Plough’.
Tell her: “It’s nickname is the Big Dipper”… and then resist the urge to ruin the moment by engaging in innuendo.
Step 2: Disarm her with data
Teach her to draw a line between the last two stars in the Plough & extend it forwards to find the North Star.
Say: “It’s called Polaris. It’s directly above the North Pole and if you take a timelapse of the night sky, all the stars revolve around it in a perfect circle.”
Whip out your phone and show her this image.
Tell her this is impossible if the Earth is spinning on it’s axis at 1,000 mph…
As it orbits the Sun at 66,600 mph…
Which hurtles around the centre of our galaxy at 490,000 mph…
Whilst all of those stars in the sky, are also moving in different directions!
But remember chaps…
Women have simple, basic, squirrel brains.
They are easily startled by straightforward mathematics and will likely panic and use Google to check your information.
It is therefore essential that you memorise and regurgitate these exact numbers in order to gain her trust.
But make sure you don’t over do it.
Say just enough to spark her curiosity, then spark up a cigar and leave.
Step 3: Name them (the constellations)
The next night, take her outside again and point to some of the constellations in the sky.
If you’ve done Stage 1 and 2 correctly, you will have earned her trust and she’ll view you as an expert astronomer.
Feel free to abuse this position of authority by pointing to random groups of stars and describing them as constellations.
Seriously chaps, I’ve invented at least thirty new ones. You should try it, it’s fun!
- You see that sombrero shape? That’s Schroedingers hat
- You see the dumbbell shape? That’s Zyzz Major
- You see the toasted sandwich shape? That’s Orion’s melt
She’ll never know.
During this process, make sure to casually slip the word ‘firmament’ into conversation.
When she inevitably asks about it, calmly explain that we live in a closed ecosystem and that the firmament is the name of the entity that divides us from heaven.
If you speak with absolute confidence, she will believe you.
However, if you fail to deliver this information convincingly, she might have the nerve to question you and ask for evidence of the flat earth model.
In this scenario just say:
“Every civilisation in human history believed this. A vacuum cannot exist next to an atmosphere.”
This will silence her.
Fill this silence by telling her she looks stunning in the moonlight and then kiss her.
This will to distract her highly solipsistic, sensual brain and buy time for these ideas to take root in her mind.
Step 4: The Flat Earth Model
If she’s a particularly disagreeable mare and somehow, against all odds, isn’t completely convinced by this point…
Don’t panic.
Remain calm and remember, some horses are harder to break than others.
The first stage of grief is denial, so it’s fair for a woman to put up a fight as you execute her old worldview.
In this scenario, there’s still one thing that you can do to save this disagreeable, stubborn, possible spouse.
If you have exhausted all other options, you can ask one question that will change her life forever.
These six words will shake her to her very core.
But be warned…
This question causes chaos.
It’s only to be used as a last resort.
If there truly are no other options, take a deep breath, look her dead in the eyes and say:
“Have you ever seen the curve?”
Smirk slightly whilst delivering this knockout punch and she’ll have an absolute meltdown.
Toys will be thrown out of the pram.
She will stutter, she will cry, she will make appeals to authority.
But it’s okay my dear friend, don’t worry.
Those tears are your champagne of victory.
Drink them with pride.
She’s only freaking out because the second stage of grief is anger and you’ve just murdered her old moronic mindset.
It may take her a bit of time to accept the flat earth model as her new reality…
But I promise that if you hold frame, within the week, she’ll be borrowing your Nikon P900, researching Wernher von Braun, planning dates to the see the Cambridge levels & laughing at lighthouses.
And that my friends…