Guy Fawkes was the last man to enter the British Parliament with honest intentions.
Ok, admittedly, he did try to blow the whole place up, but in his defence, the government is fairly annoying.
The irony of course, is that in many ways, Guy Fawkes would have been the perfect politician himself.
He was a devout Christian, who despised liberal democracy and wanted to remove the red tape…
What’s not to love?!
The Gunpowder Plot
Guy Fawkes was a key conspirator in the failed Gunpowder Plot in 1605.
He was a Catholic fundamentalist who had become disillusioned with the rule of King James I and decide to do something about it.
To his credit, Guy Fawkes understood that ‘voting for change’ was the act of a practicing lesbian.
So he traveled to Spain to fight in the Eighty Years War against the sneaky Dutch Protestants.
It was here, where he met a chap who planned to assassinate the King, called Robert Catesby.
Together they rallied together 12 other conspirators and came up with a plan so cunning, you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.
They decided to lease a room underneath the House of Lords and fill it with 36 barrels of Gunpowder.
When Parliament reopened, Guy Fawkes’s plan was to light a match, throw it into the gunpowder and enter Valhalla.
The plot would have been successful but for an anonymous letter that appeared in the hands of Baron William Parker a week before the attack.
The letter detailed the imminent attack and inspired the King to order a search of the House of Lords on the 4th of November, the day before Parliament reopened.
During this search, they found Guy Fawkes guarding the explosives and immediately arrested him.
Should We Hate Guy Fawkes?
In my humble opinion, there are only two acceptable reasons to dislike Guy Fawkes:
- Firstly, by detonating explosives in the tunnels under the House of Lords, he would have destroyed an iconic feat of English architecture. This would have been an artistic tragedy. However, it is interesting to wonder what those tunnels are used for today? Over 200,000 children go missing every year in Britain… How many of them could be found down there? Someone should ask Prince Andrew.
- Secondly, after being arrested and tortured for two days, Guy Fawkes ratted on his friends. Poor show. There’s nothing worse than a man who lacks loyalty.
How Did Guy Fawkes Die?
It’s a well known fact that snitches get stitches.
But in Guy Fawkes’ case… the snitch was tortured into committing suicide.
After he betrayed his comrades by ratting on them, his accomplices were rounded up, arrested and sentenced to death.
But, in a final act of rebellion, Guy Fawkes managed to break his own neck and kill himself before they were all publicly hanged.
Dude was built different.
A rebel to the end.
And because of this, despite his failure and demise, his legacy lives on.
Guy Fawkes’ Legacy
He tried to slaughter all the politicians because they made it marginally more challenging to practice Catholicism…
Can you imagine what he’d do if he saw the government make church attendance illegal because of the annual flu?
It’s clear for all those with eyes to see and ears to hear…
That hating liberal democracy is an aristocratic trait and in this regard, our Guy was ahead of his time.
Let’s be honest, looking at the state of our parasitical parliamentarians today, can anyone really conclude that Mr. Fawkes was wrong?
Remember Remember
Remember, remember, the 5th of November,
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason
Why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.
Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes, ’twas his intent
To blow up the King and the Parliament
Three score barrels of powder below
Poor old England to overthrow
By God’s providence he was catch’d
With a dark lantern and burning match
Holler boys, holler boys, let the bells ring
Holler boys, holler boys
God save the King!
On the 5th of November every year, British people gather in fields across the country to get pissed and burn an effigy of Guy Fawkes on a massive bonfire.
This tradition is seen as a bit of fun, but it was clearly created with a more subtle and sinister aim…
The burning of the guy is a powerful symbol of religious intolerance and functions to disincentivise revolutionary thought.
With this in mind, after the revolution, burning the Guy will be forbidden and burning an effigy of Oliver Cromwell will become mandatory.
Deus Vault.
Guy Fawkes Inn York
If you’re an English history nerd like me, you can even visit the Guy Fawkes Inn in York.
It’s a decent pub in a glorious city.
This was Guido Fawkes’ birthplace and is as good a spot as any to sit down with a pint and think about our options.
Guy Fawkes Pictures
