An Englishman can’t feel safe in the winter unless he owns his own personal snow plough.
I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s true.
In Britain, if there’s a double-dip recession, our people continue on as normal.
If there’s a terrorist attack, our people continue on as normal.
But, if there are two inches of snow… the British act like it’s the beginning of the rapture and start stockpiling tea.
The sight of the white stuff causes absolute chaos across our island.
Within six hours of the first snowflake falling: schools will be closed, flights will be canceled and divorces will be filed.
The entire country will immediately grind to a halt and the British people will begin panic buying crumpets.
This bizarre behaviour is seemingly inexplicable because it snows for two or three days every single year… and yet somehow the British people are always unprepared for this scenario?
It’s also particularly perplexing how the Brits managed to conquer Canada despite this crippling fear of crystalline water.
To be clear, this is not a white person problem, this is specifically a British person problem.
Most whites continue to live their ‘privileged’ lives regardless of the weather.
The Finnish have been known to make restaurants out of snow, the Norwegians play sport on the stuff, and the Russians, well, the Russians rely on winter snowfall as a more effective form of defense than their national army.
But the British, by contrast, treat snowfall as a more severe problem than the possibility of nuclear armageddon.
This initially seems ridiculous but is actually understandable when you consider the fact that Britain is an island with no natural predators and no extreme natural events.
We’ve also ruled about 25% of the world with little competition for 250 years.
Consequently, any disruption to our oasis of comfort is considered to be a potential life-threatener.
As a result, when a British man sees some snow, it is perfectly normal for him to completely chimp out…. like when a Frenchman thinks about monogamy.
If you witness this in person, simply put your arm around the bloke, remind him that he already owns a snow plough, tell him to take a few deep breaths, and reassure him that “everything’s going to be okay”.
Finally, prompt him to log in to Facebook to declare himself ‘safe’.
Although, talking to strangers is typically not recommended, the British love talking about the weather.
So, ironically, snowfall actually offers a good opportunity to become best friends with a British person.
All you have to do is ask one of the following questions:
- How long did it take to defrost your car windows this morning?
- How many layers are you wearing?
- Could you see your own breath this morning?
This conversation may take twenty minutes, but will earn you a friend for life.
Oh, and do you think the answers to these questions would be boring?
Well, then you are probably not British, because to us they are fucking fascinating.