The vegan’s Antichrist, the diet destroyer, the God of all sandwiches. It could only be… the bacon butty!
Arising to the sweet and smoky smell of bacon is one of life’s great pleasures, like scoring your first century and not being born French.
There’s no better way to start a Sunday than with a heart-attack-inducing, obesity beckoning, belly expanding, bacon butty.
The rule for a good bacon sarnie is simple… ‘the greasier the better’.
(Can someone tell Jamie Oliver that this isn’t the rule for hairstyles though?!)
Having a greasy bacon bap for breakfast tastes great, but also functions as a learning opportunity.
You see, you can tell a lot about a British person’s gender identity by simply observing the condiment they choose to accompany this sumptuous sandwich.
Here’s what to look for:
If they choose Brown Sauce, they’re a man.
If they choose Red Sauce, they’re a woman.
If they choose Mayonnaise, they’re a sodomite.
This is an undisputed fact.
So, if some fruity millennial attempts to sabotage your sarnie by suggesting you: “include some avocado bro”, simply ignore their unwanted advice and take revenge by blocking their Instagram and reminding them that Harry Potter is a children’s book.
Anti Bacon Butty Propaganda
In recent years, a propaganda war has been waged against the humble bacon bap.
“A rasher-a-day ups cancer risk!” – screams the BBC
“Bacon is killing us!” – cries the Guardian
“One rasher of bacon a day increases your chance of getting dementia by 44%” – wails The Daily Mail
This is FAKE NEWS!
This is deliberate disinformation designed to lower the morale of the British people and make us easier to control.
Don’t fall for the trick chaps – bacon is good for you!
An honest doctor would tell you that a truly healthy diet would be 60% bacon butties, 30% fish and chips, and 10% PG Tips.
But the media don’t care about your health… they only want you to eat five vegetables a day because they think you’re cattle.
Health Benefits From Eating A Bacon Butty
In fact, there are three undisputed benefits from eating a bacon sarnie for breakfast every day that the press refuses to present:
1. It’s good for you
2. It cures a hangover
3. It pisses-off ISIS
In my books, that’s a win – win – win.
The majority of British cooking is just baking something beige for 20 minutes at 180°C. But the bacon sarnie is even simpler than that. It’s a 5-minute masterpiece that any idiot can pull-off.
The sneaky media like to claim that chicken tikka masala is ‘the British national dish’.
This is a pathetic, low IQ, ineffective attempt to subvert British national pride.
The truth is clear.
The British national dish is, without question, the bacon butty.