“What class am I?”
These are the first words spoken by every newborn British baby.
And quite right too.
The British class system is the backbone of our beloved country.
In order to be truly British, you must love, understand, and embrace it.
Contrary to popular belief, in Britain, there is very little social climbing.
The British take great pride in the class they were born into and even more pride in hating the other classes.
Still asking the question: “What class am I?”
Well, my dear friend, continue reading and you’ll find the answer…
The British Working Class
You are working class if you live in the North of England, which is considered to be anywhere above Oxford, and like gravy on your chips.
If you’re a bloke, you’ll have a shaved head, a Stone Island jacket, and four England football shirts.
You’re a working-class woman if you have a fake tan, fake eyelashes, and a fake Louis Vuitton handbag.
As a member of the working class, you will have a regional accent that renders you unintelligible to southerners, foreigners, and employers alike.
You will likely have a monosyllabic name and consider a cigarette and a cuppa to be a nutritious breakfast.
Your ideal day includes a fistfight at the footie, 6 cans of lager on the journey home, and a doner for dinner. Bosh.
You will work with your hands doing a job that literally builds the infrastructure of the country but will receive no respect from 26-year-old snobs in £60,000 of student debt.
It’s for this reason that you hate the middle class.
The British Middle Class.
You are middle class if you reside in the South of England, typically a commutable distance from London, and secretly enjoy James Blunt’s music.
If you’re a gentleman, you’ll possess a charming quiff, a Barbour jacket, and 7 different colored Ralph Lauren shirts.
You’re a middle-class woman if you have a real tan, real eyelashes, and real Louis Vuitton handbags.
As a member of the middle class, you will take great pride in speaking the Queens English and often refer to yourself as “a bit of a grammar Nazi”. Naturally, ‘The King’s Speech’ will be your favourite movie.
You will probably have a pretentious name, like Theodore or Letty, and you will definitely own a preposterously named pet. Perhaps a spaniel called Sherlock or a golden retriever named Merlot.
Your career will create no tangible value to society, but will somehow make you quite well off. You will use this money to buy a 4×4 Range Rover, which you only ever use to complete the 10-minute school run.
Your ideal day includes prosecco in the morning, cricket in the afternoon, and an evening meal that provides you with the opportunity to mention how many guest bedrooms your house has.
As a member of the middle class, you will have strong opinions about flavoured gin and be secretly embarrassed by your inability to actually build anything with your hands.
It’s for this reason, that you hate the working class.
The British Upper Class.
You are upper class if you reside in the family’s country manor and take great pride in privately educating your children, regardless of their intellectual capacity.
If you’re a gentleman, you’ll inherit a shotgun, a signet ring, and a trust fund.
You’re an upper-class woman if you inherit a tiara, a signet ring, and a princess complex.
As a member of the upper class, your accent will be so plummy that only members of parliament can understand you. Although that’s not a problem, most of the backbench are family friends.
You will probably have a title, four middle names, and a nanny who’s been with the family for generations.
You will take great amusement about the fact that ‘The Great Unwashed’ (everybody not upper class) need to work for a living.
As a member of the upper class, you have no need for employment because you’ve mastered the art of doing nothing whilst remaining rich.
Your ideal day includes champagne at breakfast, walking the corgis after luncheon and an evening spent lamenting the Cavalier’s disastrous defeat at the Battle of Worcester in September 1651.
You will have never spent any time with a member of the working or middle classes but hate them anyway.
The British class system is a simple hierarchy.
And there is no one more upper class than the British Royal Family…
