There may only be 11 people on a cricket team, but they can occupy hundreds of different cricket fielding positions.
Yes, these cricket fielding positions have ridiculous names which make absolutely no sense, but no, we’re not going to change them so get over it.
Here are the basics ones you need to know:
What The Cricket Fielding Positions Actually Mean
The fielding position the captain puts you in says a lot about your capabilities as a cricketer and qualities as a human.
Here’s what each of the cricket positions actually mean:
Wicket Keeper = Chatty fucker. Probably works in recruitment. Big ego, tiny cock. Surprisingly attractive wife.
The Slips = You’re either old as fuck, fat as fuck or cool as fuck. No exceptions.
Gully = Not in possession of bad enough knees or good enough chat enough to justify a place in the slips. But you’re in possession of a decent enough pair of hands. Bit of a cricket badger.
Point = By far the most aristocratic place to field. Everyone who fields here is a jolly good fellow.
Covers = You’re young and actually quite good at this ridiculous sport. It’s your job to carry all other teams members who lost their ACL’s a decade ago.
Mid Off & Mid On = A completely replaceable member of the team. You show up week in week out, but let’s be honest, no one cares. If you were hit by a bus tomorrow, no one on the team would go to your funeral.
Mid Wicket = Great place to hide a useless bloke. He gets to feel like he’s in the game, without doing too much damage.
Cow Corner = Somehow, every week, the worst fielder usually ends up here. They’ll drop the opposition’s overseas pro on 30 and you’ll spend the next 2 hours watching him smash an unbeaten ton to win the game. Bloody aussies.
Square Leg = The perfect place to hide a fatty who should’ve taken up golf 20 years ago.
Leg Slip = A completely pointless fielding position. The only way to end up here is by being a hilarious bloke that everyone likes having around. You’re only there for the vibes, no chance you’ll trouble the scorer.
Fine Leg = You’re about as useful as chocolate teapot. The worst of the cricket fielding positions.
Silly Mid Off = If you volunteer to field here, you’re an undiagnosed mental patient. Seriously. You’ve got more screws loose than World Trade Centre Building 7. But if the captain forces you to field here? He wants you dead.
Sweeping the Boundary = TFC territory. Great place to field if you like daydreaming.
Where Do I usually Field?
Normally in the slips, whispering unspeakable things to the enemy.
That’s where I’m happiest.
On the front lines, committing hate crimes.
However, at the beginning of the season, for no clear reason, the captain and vice captain made me field at fine leg for half a game.
I don’t bowl (I’m not an animal) so I took this exceptionally personally.
This turned out to be a problem for them, because the ball rarely comes down to Fine Leg.
So I had nothing to occupy my mind.
And it was during this stint on the boundary that I realised something.
I don’t like the vice captain at all.
And I don’t particularly like the captain either.
They’re not evil people, but they are without question, mildly irritating.
During COVID, they both had the nerve to call me a ‘conspiracy theorist’ for suggesting that people shouldn’t sterilise themselves because of a virus that doesn’t exist.
They smugly bragged about getting triple jabbed and heartily supported the lockdowns.
And now, they have the nerve, to make me field at fine leg?
ME?!
Bloody outrageous.
Now, like all men who are denied the ability to be distracted by the Bread and Circus, my mind turned to the possibility of staging a coup d’état.
I concluded that people like this need to be humbled, so, as an act of charity to the British people, I decided to destroy them both.
You’re welcome chaps.
It was time for some civilian justice.
So I came up with a plan so sneaky, you could paint it orange and call it a fox.
I had no intention of becoming the captain myself, that’s far too much work.
I just wanted to stage a revolution that concluded in the replacement of the old guard with leadership that was more agreeable with my goals.
(Standing at slip all day and opening the batting)
And so, in that moment, Operation Gaddaffi was born.
Here’s how it went down…
Not dying of vaccine damage
How To Conquer Your Cricket Club.
Three things need to happen for me to stage a successful revolution:
1: Train hard, score runs and be well liked.
2: Push out the vice captain and position myself as his replacement.
3: Use that position of influence to outmanoeuvre the captain and propose a suitable replacement.
This is my “triple jab”.
Step 1: Go Full Rocky
I trained hard all winter.
I was the clubs top run scorer last season, but I’m moving up 2 leagues and if I can’t command a place in the team, the plan falls apart.
We have a number of paid players in our team so I must be at my best.
Step 2: Be Friends With Everyone
Thankfully, this comes naturally to me, I am a GREAT BLOKE after all.
But for you introverts, here’s how it works.
Throw cash at the bar every Saturday night
Buy beers for your mates and each of the top wicket takers/run scorers each week.
Listen to their stories from the day.
Give them an opportunity to indulge their own ego.
When people talk about themselves, they feel good and crucially, they attribute that positive feeling to YOUR PRESENCE.
If you introduce them to new people in the bar as “the guy who hit 80 today”, they’ll like you forever.
You should also offer drinks to the single girls, girlfriends and wives in the clubhouse.
Engage in just enough small talk to make them laugh, then leave.
Women TALK.
It’s literally all they do.
So they may as well be saying positive things about the generous guy in the linen shirt with the signet ring and chiselled jawline
Remember, small gestures like this make people like you.
“Oh really you think you can buy friends?”
Yes
Well, not real friendships of course, but you can purchase positivity from random acquaintances.
It only costs £100 a week to make 50 people in a sports club like you…
Forget Bitcoin, that a proper ROI.
Step 3: Wait For The Opportune Moment To Displace The Vice Captain
This came sooner than expected, here’s what happened…
It all kicked off after our last game.
We lost a game we should have won on the last ball.
In the dressing room, people were swearing at the skip, mocking his authority and undermining him.
So I stayed quiet and waited a few days for it all to calm down.
Then I strategically called around to see how the guys were feeling.
Because they like me, they told me everything… with no restraint.
I didn’t say anything about the situation myself.
I just asked questions and softly agreed with them when necessary.
It turns out they’d all been talking already and got their stories straight.
“He deserved it blah blah blah”
“We’re all against him, he’s useless anyway, he’s got to go, blah blah blah.”
I realised this CHAOS
Was the perfect opportunity to make a move…
The captain was outnumbered, dejected and alone.
So I called him and let him know that he has my full support.
“I really appreciate the work you put in behind the scenes and on the pitch. They should never have disrespected you and the hierarchy of the club like that. Unacceptable behaviour.”
When asked, I recommended he fired the “ringleader” who happened to be the vice captain
How convenient.
In the 24 hours since, the vice captain has lost his contract and been asked to leave the club.
And I’ve been made vice captain.
“The stand out choice.” The skipper called me, hahaha.
Now I just need to perform in my role, charm my way back into the corden.
If that fails and the captain still refuses to put me at first slip, I will simply wait patiently until he messes up, and then mercilessly outmanoeuvre him as well.
Child’s play.
Conclusion
The majority of people are pigeons.
Aimlessly pecking their way through life dreaming of scraps of authority and meaning.
Without realising that POWER is everywhere.
It’s yours if you want it.
But no ones going to give it to you.
You have to TAKE IT.
In hindsight, this was far too easy.
Im going to have to pick a stronger enemy to do battle with
I need something new to conquer.
It’s time I did battle with a much more formidable foe…
