English Breakfast Tea is perfect.
It’s relaxing, addictive and cheap.
It’s like doing heroine without becoming homeless.
I’d boil it on a spoon and inject it into my veins if I could.
And by the way, every other British person agrees with me.
In England, it’s a well-known fact that the average citizen consumes 190 gallons of English breakfast tea per day.
That’s approximately 3.2 cups per minute… or 8 milliliters per second.
And if you are observant, you can determine this person’s social class by observing them satiate their addiction.
This is what you’ve got to watch out for…
How The Different Classes Drink English Breakfast Tea
The Working Class
A member of the working class will offer you a ‘brew’ or a ‘cuppa’.
This will often be accompanied by a bacon butty, a cigarette, and a chat about Jeremy Kyle.
Bosh.
The Middle Class
Generally, the middle class enjoys being more exotic with their beverages and takes pride in having at least two dozen different varieties of tea in their homes at all times.
More often than not, they will offer you green tea, herbal tea, or chamomile tea because it provides them a great opportunity to tell you about their ‘eye-opening’ gap yahhh travels and reminisce about how they really ‘found themselves’ whilst ‘doing India’.
The middle-class really love to gossip, it’s their favorite hobby.
And a full pot provides just enough time to catch-up on the drama from this week’s episode of Made in Chelsea.
The Upper Class
The Upper Class don’t work, they just live off old money.
And this means they have so much time to kill that they’ve actually made drinking English breakfast tea into a twice-a-day event.
I’m not joking, the first refreshment break is called ‘Elevenses’.
It’s where the aristocrats take a break from a morning of moping through their manor grounds to sit down for a drink at 11am.
At 4pm they sit down again for ‘Afternoon Tea’.
This will include finger sandwiches, scones, and casual comments about the ‘cultural benefits’ of colonialism.
Despite these differences, the British all agree that if you are caught pouring milk into your cup before the tea, then you are a devious degenerate who should be deported immediately.
Take note tourists, the British drink tea religiously, and putting the milk in first is blasphemy.
Oh, and whatever you do, don’t ask us if we fancy a bloody coffee…
